Obama Selects Phelps as V.P.
It’s the announcement the whole world has been waiting to hear: The most important news ever… EVER. Soon to be President Barack Obama’s choice for Vice President. Preliminary rumors suggested the announcement might come as early as Wednesday morning. But, this very evening, Obama has named his running mate, and he shared the news exclusively with IdiomLife.com. Suck on that New York Times.
Public opinion polls revealed a tight race between Sen. Hillary Clinton, Sen. Joe Biden, Sen. Evan Bayh, and underdog favorite Gov. Tim Kaine as possible running mates. Yet tonight, despite the pundits’ predictions, Obama has thrown a trademark curveball to the entire political arena. His Vice President will be… Michael Phelps!
Now, I can already hear the complaints. “Phelps isn’t a politician.” Good. “He lacks experience.” Hardly. “He’s not even old enough to run.” Not interested. We here at Idiomlife don’t think Obama could have made a better move, and here’s why.
Barack Obama works to calm running mate Michael Phelps after an emotional and passionate V.P. announcement rally.
John McCain has continuously complained about the amount of press time Barack Obama receives. His most recent ads even brush Obama off as just another celebrity, in the likes of Britney Spears or Paris Hilton. But we disagree; if the McCain camp had done any type of research for this baseless claim they would have quickly discovered that the MyHeritage.com Celebrity Face Recognition software doesn’t list Britney or Paris as an Obama look-alike. In fact, the number one ranking celebrity look-alike for Barack is actually Barack Obama himself, followed closely by Nelson Mandela, Orlando Bloom, and Vin Diesel. Nice try Senator McCain. You can view the results of our study here.
Sadly for Senator McCain, Obama’s previous solo airtime was only the tip of the iceberg. Our mathematical formula predicts the Obama/Phelps ticket will completely dominate the airwaves. Our estimates place their daily airtime as high as 98% – and no lower than 90% – between the hours of Good Morning America and the Tony Little Gazelle Hour.
With this amount of face-time favoring the democratic ticket, John McCain will need to take a page from Huckabee’s handbook by enlisting the services of Chuck Norris, along with Steven Seagal and one of those commercials where they take old footage of John Wayne endorsing McCain, as the “Original Maverick”, even though he’s dead.
Some could argue that Michael Phelps has had little, if any, experience compared to the seasoned political vultures that run this “democracy”, or are hoping to run it. We argue that he doesn’t need it.
Phelps is a kid man of emotion and passion. “It’s not the years of experience that matter,” Obama told IdiomLife, “It’s the kind of experience. And any 14-time gold medalist is welcome in my white house.” Hear, hear. Just think how different things may have been if Cheney had ever fought valiantly for 14 medals.
Leaning on the wisdom of Stephen Colbert, our leaders need to be able to make decisions not from the head, nor from logic or facts, but from the gut — that great father of truthiness. Anyone that can eat three fried egg sandwiches, with cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, fried onions and mayonnaise, followed by three chocolate-chip pancakes, a five-egg omelette, three sugar-coated slices of French toast and a bowl of grits, and wash it down with two cups of coffee—for breakfast alone—is sure to have a strong enough gut to be the Vice President of our country.
Phelps demonstrating he can out swim a shark. He’s also made a promise to be able to swim faster than a dolphin.
Now no one here discounts the fact that McCain was a POW in Vietnam. And, sure, he’s had some pretty good wartime experience. But what is he going to do when Vladimir Putin or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is able to successfully create sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads? Probably just drown. With Phelps by his side, Obama believes the USA will be able to successfully eliminate any and all water-based national security threats. While Phelps is not yet on par with the speed of dolphins, he is certainly fast enough to catch a laser-heavy shark, and that’s a lot more than we can say about McCain.
During a phone interview, Michael Phelps promised IdiomLife, along with the American people, that he “would surpass the top speed of a dolphin, the leopard of the salt water, by the end of his first term. And if not, then by the end of his second term… or third.”
The Deficit and the U.S. Economy
With Phelps successfully winning the entire Olympics, he and Obama have announced a simple, efficient plan to eliminate the mounting national debt and inflation rate: The sale of Phelps’ gold medals on eBay. Our sources at the Antique Roadshow believe each of the medals could bring a paltry 1.2 Trillion dollars. Poof… the debt is gone.
Now you may be asking, “who would ever pay that much for an Olympic gold medal?” Our Chinese investigative reporter, Dong Dong, has uncovered a major scandal in Beijing with evidence showing the Chinese government has paid Olympic judges twice that amount for every gold medal China has won thus far during the 2008 games. The International Olympic Committee has since asked for the assistance of the Chinese dictators government in expropriating Dong Dong’s visa (the only card accepted at the games), allowing them to cover-up further investigate the allegations.
With the support of Michael Phelps, Obama will now be conducting all Town Hall meetings in nothing but swimwear.
John McCain’s Response
Senator John McCain also has a heavy-hitter list of potential Vice Presidents, including longtime friend Moses (who like George Bush, has actually talked to God). But we imagine that upon hearing this announcement, McCain’s brilliant campaign advisors will be putting together another bullet-proof political smear executed as flawlessly as their tire gauge gambit.
No matter what the McCain camp’s response is, we do know it will be out of total jealousy that they didn’t think of exploiting recruiting Michael Phelps first. Because, as Barack told us, “Michael is a complete badass. I mean, have you seen him in those ‘how low can you go’ speedos? If you have, then you obviously know how full of awesomeness he is.”
This unprecedented possibility, the most influential electoral ticket in history, promises to be even more encouraging for the future of the United States of America than if Ron Paul ran as an independent with Dennis Kucinic. We believe this country is ready for, nay needs, the divine combination of Barack Hussein Obama and Michael Fred Phelps.